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Hey, Dodge, don't you WANT to sell any trucks?

What on earth is up with Dodge's new Ram campaign? I don't think I've ever seen anything more boring in my life.

Chevrolet was a rock, and it made me want to follow the sun along Route 66 until it went down in California. Ford broke the desert floor with its badge, and made me want to work on a construction site, or on an oil rig, or out on a cattle ranch.

But Dodge? I get someone from the relaxation tape factory, telling me about some guy getting behind the wheel, and confiding in me that "my tank is full." All I want to do is put on an argyle sweater, curl up on the sofa, and read the encyclopedia.

See for yourself. Don't blame me if you fall asleep halfway through.

Toyota 4Runner, and a car that runs on whale oil

In today's Toronto Star, I have a look at the all-new 2010 Toyota 4Runner, which you can find by clicking here.

I also have an opinion piece on who really makes the decisions on environmentally-friendly vehicles -- including the whale oil and crushed kitten editions -- available here.

Who really determines an automaker's fate ...

   I was talking to a woman yesterday who asked my opinion on what vehicle she should buy. When I mentioned a model, she said she'd never buy a domestic. Why not? She wasn't happy with the dealer she'd encountered.

Which made me realize something very vital. An auto company spends years and millions of dollars designing a vehicle. It spends many more millions getting it onto the assembly line, and then spends again to launch and advertise it. The CEO poses beside it at the auto shows, the publicists woo the media with it, and men and women toil on the assembly line to build it.

And then it all comes down to the guy on the other side of the desk at the dealership.

I worked in dealerships, and I can tell you this: there are some really good, really dedicated people out there who genuinely feel a calling, and who truly have the customer's interests at heart. And there are more than a few who couldn't make a go of it selling computers or lawnmowers or whatever, and so they answered an ad, spent a week learning the ropes, and then got sent out to deal with the public.

For all the public sneers at auto salesmen, selling cars is not a cushy job. There are very long hours involved. You've got pressure from the customers, pressure from the sales manager, pressure from the dealer principal. You have to deal with tire-kickers and people who don't think the company should make a penny of profit on the car. And even though you've been behind your desk for ten hours that day, if you don't sell a car, you don't take home any money.

And yet, that car salesman, whether he's good or bad, is the auto company. If he screws up badly, never mind that the customer isn't coming back to the dealer again; he or she may never come back to the brand at all.

No matter how big the auto company is, no matter how much they pay the CEO, no matter how many people work for it, it all comes down to this: all that time, all that engineering, all that design, all that assembly, and the final spokesman for the brand is a guy who doesn't even work for the company itself, and who really just wants you to buy the car so he can go the hell home to his family.

An ad campaign we'll never see in North America ...

Mitsubishi Motors is introducing a new compact pickup truck in the United Kingdom, which features more load length and extra power.

The advertising campaign? The company plans to run it under the banner, "What would you do with an extra seven inches and bit more poke?"

Japanese auto ads: Harrison, Bruce, Brad and ... Ray?

What do Robert DeNiro, Ray Charles, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Jennifer Lopez, Eddie Murphy, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Michael J. Fox all have in common?

They've all starred in Japanese car commercials, and you can see some of them over here. I'm not sure which one is the weirdest, although Harrison Ford jumping out of his Honda Legend to capture a runaway horse rates pretty high on the bizarre scale, as does Brad Pitt showing off his T-shirt to a little boy who does something very odd with ice cream and his tongue.

The biggest disappointment? Ray Charles just sings in the back seat -- they don't let him drive!

Canadian advertising: Best of the best

  There have been some classic ad campaigns over the years, and there's a fascinating CBC radio program looking back on some of them here. You can listen to it by clicking on the red arrow.

Why the fuss from this quarter, you ask? Well, Gary Gray -- one of the best advertising writers this country has ever seen, and showcased on the program -- is my brother.