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Corporate-Speak Translations: General Motors

  General Motors has announced that it has ended its endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods, who was a spokesman for Buick.

In the official press release, GM says that "Both GM and Woods agreed to a mutual and amicable separation that included a desire for more personal time for the 14-time major winner who is expecting his second child in late winter as well as the search for budget efficiencies during a difficult economy for General Motors."

Translation: We couldn't afford him anymore.

Hang on ... the government's making SENSE?

In the wake of the Detroit Three zipping over to Washington to plead a case for a bailout (and I still can't believe anyone pulling down a salary as a spin doctor didn't foresee the private-jet fiasco), Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have sent them a letter outlining what they'll need to do in order for their request to be considered.

Much to my shock, the government's demands make sense. Mark that one on the calendar; people will be talking about that for centuries to come.

Among the things the automakers need to do:

- Provide forthright, documented assessment of the current operating cash position, short-term needs, and how they'll meet long-term needs;

- Provide varying estimates of the terms of the loan, tied in with assumptions of current, improved or worse sales rates;

- Report and share information with any government mechanisms designed to safeguard the loans;

- Ensure the taxpayers get paid back first;

- Address health care payments and pension obligations;

- And my favorite, bar the payment of dividends and excessive executive compensation, including bonsues and golden parachutes by companies receiving taxpayer assistance.

The only other question: why the hell didn't the auto execs fly into Washington with such a plan already tucked under their arms? I think we've all applied for loans, whether through credit cards or the bank, and we pretty much know what the loans officer is going to ask us. I've never run a multi-billion-dollar company and know I can't. But sometimes it scares me when I realize just how out-of-touch these folks on the upper floors can be.

So should the government bail out the Detroit Three?

Yes.

Okay, so you want more than that. Yes, I think it's necessary, because of what North America would look like without them -- and I don't just mean directly. I live in a GM town -- one where the automaker has closed an on-site subsidiary and a truck plant so far. It's tough enough for outlying businesses just when the plants close down for two weeks each year on summer holidays. You should see it when a plant closes for good.

When people think about auto companies, they think about men and women bolting parts together on the line. They don't think about how much further that goes. The feeder plants that make the parts, and all the people they employ. The company that supplies the cafeteria, and the company that provides them with the bread and beans and bagels. The companies that make the shipping containers, the work gloves, the bathroom tissue, the companies that deliver it, the companies that take it away. It's almost impossible to comprehend the amount of material in an auto plant that isn't even related to the cars, and all of that comes from somewhere.

Certainly you can say that the Detroit Three helped bring this on themselves, but that doesn't make things any better. You can castigate a welfare mother for birthing a new baby, but that doesn't change the fact that mother and baby need to eat to stay alive. The three automakers should have become leaner and meaner 25 years ago, but they didn't. That was then, but we have to fix it now.

Don't think they aren't trying; for the most part, these three are turning out the best and the most fuel-efficient vehicles they've ever made, but it takes time. I'm very tired of opening the paper each day and seeing yet another letter to the editor where someone says, "GM needs to immediately start making the Volt/microcars/cars that run on coffee." Quite simply, you do not convert auto production in a day, or a week, or a month, or in many months. The cars coming off the line right now were designed and engineered years ago. Flexible manufacturing helps immensely, but the reality is that an all-new vehicle needs to be tooled, dies must be made, parts must be sourced, the supply chain must be adjusted, people must be trained, advertising must be focused, dealers must be prepared, and that's just the big stuff. I've talked to designers. It takes weeks just to come up with a door panel that can be readily produced in bulk, doesn't hit on the power switches, and fits the outside door that someone else designed. And that's just one part in a car that has thousands of them.

GM, Ford and Chrysler get it; don't think for a moment that they don't. They know what they've done wrong, and what the Japanese and Koreans have done right. But while they've been focusing their operations to bring us better and more fuel-efficient vehicles in the shortest timeframe possible, the goalposts moved.

There must be bailout money, and it's got to be freed up now, before it's too late. Automakers operate on something called economy of scale. If vehicle production drops below a certain number, the company can't survive. It's happened before; we now only know names like Studebaker, Kaiser, Pierce-Arrow and Packard because of antique-car shows. It could very easily happen again, and it could very easily happen very soon.

Put strings on the bailout. Tell Mulally, Wagner and Nardelli that they'll get their operating cash, but they'll draw no more than a manager's salary until the books are in the black again. That's tough love to someone hauling down $20 million a year, but look on the bright side: do you want to be the hero who saved the ship, or the rat who went down with it? Then, when the strings are in place, open the purse, and open it wide.

Can we afford to do it? We can't afford not to do it. Go rent Michael Moore's Roger and Me. Take a good look at the scenes of Flint. I mean a really long, good hard look at those scenes. Now think about what it would be like to live like that in your neighborhood. And if you think it wouldn't happen that way, then believe me: you're just not giving it enough thought.

We are the world ...

  Proof that the world is changing: this is the all-new Ford Fiesta sedan, which we'll be getting in North America in 2010. It just made its world premiere. No, not at the Detroit Auto Show, or even at the Los Angeles or New York or Toronto or Chicago show, but ... at the Guangzhou Motor Show in China.

The Fiesta is a "global" car, and will be sold worldwide in its basic configuration, with some changes for each market and with production relatively close to home in each case. Cars for the Chinese market will be built in that country, while ours in North America will be made in Mexico.

I have to admit, looking back on the days when it was the Big Three and a few upstart Japanese companies on these shores, I never thought I'd see this day. Come to think of it, I never thought I'd ever see such a shift in the global balance of power, either. These are interesting -- and often scary -- times indeed.

Try doing this on a computer!

You have to love a band that calls itself the Boston Typewriter Orchestra -- and those are the instruments they play! Check them out by clicking here.

You Can, But You Shouldn't

 

Here's my Collision Avoidance Technology run-down ...

  In the news: Nissan has announced that it will demonstrate its new "All-Around Collision Free" vehicle at the World Congress on Intelligent Transport Systems in New York next week. This slick unit has all the acronyms: BCP (Backup Collision Prevention), SCP (Side Collision Prevention), DCA (Distance Control Assist) and LDP (Lane Departure Prevention).

Basically, the car checks to make sure you aren't changing lanes into the side of another vehicle; that you don't back up into oncoming traffic; it taps the brakes if you're coming up too quickly on the car in front; it makes sure you're staying in your lane; and if you don't, it helps bring the car back over.

Pretty slick stuff, and I'm sure a lot of money was poured into it. But in the interest of safe, low-cost motoring, I've designed my own group of safety acronyms to help get you through traffic with as little rearranged metal as possible. My "Super Safety" car includes PDTGCP (Put Down the Goddamn Cell Phone), AYMP (Adjust Your Mirrors Properly), WWYG (Watch Where You're Going), TDTS (Turn Down The Stereo), LBW (Look Both Ways), and YNTOCOTRSBWPA (You're Not The Only Car On The Road, So Bloody Well Pay Attention).

There. Safe, secure, doesn't need a warranty, and doesn't cost an extra dime. That, my friends, is an Intelligent Transport System.

What's Ferrari got to do with a pen?

  Quite a bit, if you're David Seibert, former racecar driver, race official, and the man behind the Ferrari Challenge racing series. He's also a pen collector, and the focus of a story I did for Pen World magazine, published in the December 2008 edition. You can find it here.

SEMA: Like a kid in a candy store

  I'm at SEMA right now, the Specialty Equipment Market Association show in Las Vegas. If it goes on, under, above or beside a car, it's here -- millions of square feet of aftermarket goodies, and I'm a kid in a candy store.

I'll post some more later -- gotta get to a press conference in a few minutes -- but right now, this rat rod is my gotta-have-it of the show. I want this thing so bad I can taste it. Tell me you wouldn't want to cruise the strip in this!