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Corporate-Speak Translations: the Green Municipal Fund

"Eco-energetic vehicles."

Please, just make it stop.

Auto worker benefits: medical, dental, and pedicure

I was sitting in a coffee shop yesterday and overheard a woman telling her friend everything that was wrong with the domestic auto companies. It's all the fault of the unions, she said. The Canadian Auto Workers Union is running General Motors and Chrysler into the ground.

Some background on this: auto workers currently get a specified number of floating holidays, called Special Paid Absence -- SPA for short.

"They get too many benefits," the woman told her friend. "They get all kinds of benefits. No one else gets those kinds of benefits. I don't get those kinds of benefits! Did you know they even get SPA days? My employer doesn't pay to send me to the spa for a day!"

Cell phones: No longer welcome in Ontario

Great news today: Ontario has passed legislation that will ban the use of hand-held devices to talk, text or email while driving. The new law could be in effect as early as this fall.

That means you, guy who turned a corner last week, kept turning, and came very close to hitting me head-on, because he was too busy reading his BlackBerry to straighten the wheel. That means you, guy in front of me the other day, who kept drifting from one lane to another, and then sat at a green light as he dialed his phone. And that means you, woman who slowed to 20 km/h in a 60-km zone as she checked to see who was calling.

The law isn't perfect, because it still allows hands-free devices, and I firmly believe that it isn't just the device but the call itself that's the problem. But this is a huge step in the right direction. (What's the difference between a cellphone call and a stereo, or talking to a passenger in the car, you say? Well, I'm guessing if you've ever had to try finding your way in a strange neighborhood, you've automatically turned down the stereo, because you don't need the distraction. And while your passenger will shut up when a car swerves in front of you and you have to make an evasive move, your buddy on the other end of the line just keeps gabbing.)

I once read a tongue-in-cheek letter by someone who said he'd rather see a drunk driver than one on a cell phone, because at least the drunk is trying to drive. It's a car, not a phone booth. Thank you, Ontario.

The 1948 Tucker

 

In today's Wheels Extra, I have a story on the 1948 Tucker. It's part of a series I'm writing for it, each featuring a car from a specific decade. You can find it by clicking here.

Fiat and Chrysler: Blame Canada?

In the news: Fiat chief Sergio Marchionne said that he's not sure if a deal will go through to merge with Chrysler -- not unless the unions make some substantial cuts to labor costs, and most notably, Canadian unions. Chrysler's U.S. chiefs have already taken swipes at the CAW, and now Italy is doing it, as well.

And the inner conspiracy theorist in me says: is there more to this than just the cost of labor?

Keep this in mind: Barack Obama has said he will free up $6 billion for Chrysler, but only if a deal with Fiat is cemented by April 30, 2009. Marchionne has said he won't ask the government for an extension if it doesn't happen by then.

Now, I like Chryslers as much as anybody; I've got three in my driveway, one of them a 2008 model. But I still think that if any of the Detroit Three are going to fold in this crisis, this is the one that'll go down, with the buzzards left picking out prime pieces like Jeep, Hemi and Caravan.

And I really don't think Fiat cares that much about selling its technology to Chrysler, not in the big picture. Fiat wants distribution, and it will only get that by moving in with an established automaker that already has a dealership network in place. I doubt it matters which one. But it will make a difference if the American car-buying public sees Fiat as the foreigner that took down Chrysler. They might not be buying the cars, but it's still an American company, and there's that matter of pride (and jobs, of course).

So here's my theory. Fiat wants into the U.S., and Chrysler's the one most willing to talk. If Fiat decides the deal isn't in its favor, Chrysler doesn't get its $6 billion, and that will pretty much be the beginning of the end. Blaming U.S. auto workers won't earn Fiat many friends among American buyers, either. But if it blames Canadians -- if Canadian auto workers were the reason the deal failed and Chrysler came down -- then Fiat will still have a fighting chance to hook up with someone else and bring its cars over. It wasn't their fault. And all those Americans who lost their direct or indirect jobs when Chrysler folds will look to the north, and lay the blame as well.

This is the saddest day in Canada ...

Today is the saddest day in Canada. If you're Canadian, chances are good you know what I mean. If you're not, well, it's because tonight marks the very last episode of Corner Gas.

To say that this gentle sitcom changed the face of Canadian television is an understatement. From this day forward, the Canadian entertainment scene will be divided into two phases: BCG (Before Corner Gas) and ACG (well, you know).

This show was our I Love Lucy, our Honeymooners, our M*A*S*H, our Seinfeld. When my husband went to American events wearing his Corner Gas shirt, it was like wearing the flag -- every Canadian around came up to comment on it. Much of the country stopped every Monday night to watch it. Canadian celebrities popped up regularly on it, including two Prime Ministers.

I had the opportunity to interview Brent Butt, the creator and star, and it was a real pleasure to speak with him; he was funny, fascinating, and without a trace of big-star ego. I started the telephone conversation by repeating a line from one of the shows. He instantly went into character and answered with the line that had followed it in the program.

And now it's over. I'm glad, in a way, that it's going out on a high note, instead of being dragged out past its prime. It's been six seasons. And yet, it shouldn't be over, not yet. I know this: there will never be another show like it. Thanks for everything, guys. And now it's almost time for the very last episode to begin.

You Can, But You Shouldn't

Obama buys some cars: the Big Three get some cash

In one of the most sensible plans I've heard in a long time, Barack Obama has announced that the U.S. government will buy about 17,600 vehicles from American auto companies for its fleet. It'll cost about $285 million, taken from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

The vehicles will come from GM, Ford and Chrysler, and will be purchased by June 1, 2009. The purchase will also include 2,500 hybrid sedans, which will be ordered by April 15. There's also $15 million dedicated to advanced technologies, including CNG and hybrid buses, and all-electric vehicles, with orders placed by September 30.

According to the press release, each vehicle purchased under the plan must have a better fuel economy than the vehicle it replaces, with an overall goal of a 10% improvement in fuel efficiency for the entire procurement.

It's sensible because you can throw all the money you want at a company -- no matter what it makes -- and it won't do any good if there are no buyers for the product it's selling. And cars, being such big-ticket items, are very hard to move off the lots when people lose their jobs, or aren't sure if they're next in line. It's going to take a lot more than 17,600 vehicles to turn this all around, but it's a step in the right direction.

GM + Segway = What on earth were they thinking?

  This photo, in a nutshell, is pretty much everything that's wrong with General Motors these days. Maybe this is why President Obama gave Rick Wagoner the boot, while mysteriously leaving Chrysler's top brass in place. Perhaps he got a sneak peek at what GM is trumpeting across the airwaves today on the eve of the New York Auto Show.

This is P.U.M.A., or Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility, and yes, they're really serious. It's a joint effort of General Motors and Segway, and according to the press release, it's an electrically-powered, two-seat, two-wheeled prototype vehicle. "It could allow people to travel around cities more quickly, safely, quietly and cleanly, and at a lower total cost," GM says. "The vehicle also enables design creativity, fashion, fun and social networking."

If this were 2007, things would be different. PUMA is a perfect example of how a concept car works. It's a showcase of numerous technologies GM has developed or used over the years, including electric drive, vehicle-to-vehicle communication, and smart energy management. In better times, you put all your technologies together, you rolled them out onstage, the media fell over itself trying to get the pictures, and then you took what you learned to the sketchpad for your next new production vehicle.

But it's 2009. GM builds some of the best cars on the market, and it can't give them away. It's so far in the hole, it's burned through the funding it's already received, and it's asking for more. It's seriously considering bankruptcy protection. And then it rolls onstage with something that looks like the malfunctioning egg in Spinal Tap?

Toyota brought out a similar vehicle -- more like a wheelchair on steroids -- at the auto show a couple of years ago. We all shook our heads a little, but then looked at the big picture. It's a company from Japan, where electronic gadgets can't get to market fast enough, micro vehicles so small they don't require driver's licenses are common, and the culture reveres elders who could benefit from it.

But when an American automaker does it, we shake our heads a lot. Subcompacts can't crack the top-ten sales, never mind a car you wear, and Segways are pretty much limited to mall cops and postal routes. And it was like that when times were good.

GM had obviously been working on this for a long time, undoubtedly back when times were much better. And it should have done the most logical thing: left it at home, and maybe brought it out when (or if) this whole economic mess is over. Every company, no matter how large or how small, makes bad decisions, whether through oversight or, perhaps in this case, circumstances beyond its control. The key to getting through it is in how they handle it. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think putting it out at one of the world's biggest auto events was it.

GMC Terrain: It's a what?

  General Motors has just announced it will unveil the 2010 GMC Terrain at the New York auto show.

In its press release, the company calls it a "crossover SUV." Say what?

Really, this is getting goofy. First it was SUV, tagged to vehicles that were neither sporty nor truly utilitarian. Then, when those fell out of favor, they became crossovers, although I'm not quite sure exactly what it was that they were crossing over.

And now, we have a hybrid -- oops, that's taken, too -- of a "crossover SUV." So has it crossed over from being sporty? Or has it crossed the line for utility? Or is it just that someone figured he'd touch every possible customer base with this vehicle?

This all reminds me of the people who ridiculously insist that their dogs are "Labradoodles" or "Goldendoodles" or "Cockapoos." Folks, you do not have a new breed of dog -- you have a mutt of known parentage. Equally, let's get real with "crossover SUV." Try too hard to be all things to all people, and you'll just come off looking silly.

Bitter antifreeze: Why isn't everyone doing it?

  In the news today: British Columbia has mandated that as of January 2011, all antifreeze sold at the retail level in the province will have to contain an additive that makes it extremely bitter. This is to prevent pets and wildlife from being poisoned, as regular antifreeze is sweet and they tend to lick it up if they find some that's leaked out of a car.

My question: why did it take so long to do something so simple? And why is it only B.C. (and Washington State, Oregon and California)? Why isn't this a federal mandate from sea to shining sea, and right now? The stuff is deadly. It shouldn't be tasty as well.