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Auto marketing terms: Do you know what they really mean?

Do you know exactly what Subaru's "symmetrical" all-wheel drive actually is? How about winter gas, military-grade aluminum, Trail Rated Jeeps, or even antique and classic cars? Discover what's hype and what's the truth in my feature over at AutoTrader.

Today's corporate-speak translation ...

Oh, this one's good. It's not often you see someone as fluent as this when it comes to this crap.

MILWAUKEE, June 10, 2015 /PRNewswire/ -- Johnson Controls, Inc. (NYSE: JCI) announced today that it is exploring strategic options for the separation of its automotive business.

"Today's announcement continues our strategy of proactive portfolio management to drive focus on strategic product-oriented businesses where we can be a global market leader, drive more profitable growth and deliver maximum long-term value for our customers and shareholders," said Alex Molinaroli, chairman and chief executive officer, Johnson Controls. "I am very pleased that we are consistently delivering on our operating commitments while also building a strong foundation for growth by leveraging our Johnson Controls Operating System (JCOS) across the company."

As discussed at the company's analyst meeting in December 2014, the JCOS is already delivering results and is expected to yield $2 billion in incremental segment income by 2020 through operational effectiveness and increased speed to market.

Johnson Controls said it had no specific timetable for the completion of the strategic review, which includes a full range of strategic options for the automotive business. The company is also continuing to actively evaluate growth platforms that are aligned with the unique operational capabilities and specific attributes of its multi-industrial portfolio.

TRANSLATION: The car stuff takes too long to get to market and we're not rich enough yet, so it's up for sale.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Kia

Kia Canada has introduced a new customer rewards program. Here's how a representative describes it:

 "We are committed to enhancing the purchase experience and positively impacting consumer expectations through key strategic initiatives designed to mitigate defection and turn one-time customers into customers for life."

I'm just truly in awe of anyone who could write something like that.

Corporate-Speak Translation: ExxonMobil Chemical

 In today's news: ExxonMobil Chemical is hosting a symposium in China, giving Chinese tire manufacturers an opportunity to see new products and technologies, including a tire inner liner that is lighter than a conventional liner but still as tough, and with the potential to produce a tire that holds up just as well, but results in better fuel economy and reduced emissions.

A spokesman for ExxonMobil said, "We think it's the perfect opportunity for Chinese companies to gain additional information to help put themselves at the forefront of trends and technology that can help them be more successful."

Translation: We'll get 'em hooked on it, and we'll sell a billion of them over there.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Daimler/Mitsubishi Fuso

From a press release by Daimler, regarding Mitsubishi Fuso trucks, which it owns:

Andreas Renschler, Member of the Board of Management of Daimler AG and responsible for Daimler Trucks, said: “Daimler Trucks’ program of ‘Global Excellence’ calls for early and effective adjustments to market cycles. In this regard, Fuso has taken decisive steps to reduce costs and capacity to address the severe commercial vehicle market downturn over the past several months. Now we take further, more far-reaching measures to strengthen Fuso’s ability to deliver benchmark profitability in a rapidly transforming global commercial vehicle market.”

What he really said:

"We're closing plants, cutting salaries, reducing bonuses, eliminating overtime, and laying people off."

Corporate-Speak Translations: the Green Municipal Fund

"Eco-energetic vehicles."

Please, just make it stop.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Meritor Suspensions

  Meritor Suspension Systems has announced it is closing its auto coil springs plant in Milton, Ontario. This follows an earlier notice that its parent company will close a truck brake parts plant in Tilbury.

From the press release: "We are experiencing unprecedented economic pressure within the global automotive industry," said Gerald Anderson, president and general manager, MSSC. "This closure reflects actions we are taking to reduce fixed costs in response to significantly lower vehicle production volumes."

The company is currently evaluating the transfer of this business to other MSSC facilities in North America.

Translation: We're moving to Mexico.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Azure Dynamics

  Top on today's "what the hell did he say" piece comes courtesy of hybrid powertrain manufacturer Azure Dynamics. I really should start a Bafflegab Awards program, because I doubt few could top this gem:

 "(Azure) today announced a restructuring and comprehensive cost reduction plan designed to address the realities of today's economy and marketplace while meeting the demand for tomorrow's most energy efficient commercial vehicles.

"The Azure plan includes an approximate 25% reduction in its current workforce along with expected reductions in all discretionary expenses and a focus on actions to offset recent component cost increases. In addition the Company plans to further rationalize its product development efforts to focus on existing products and is actively working with its customers on potential new programs that involve sharing of development costs. Azure is also taking steps to enable the Company to access low cost U.S. and Canadian government loans supporting development of more fuel efficient vehicles."

Translation: We're firing one-quarter of our employees, we're going to buy the cheapest parts we can find, if you want new-and-improved you've got to pay us more to design it, and if GM and Chrysler can have bailout money, so can we we.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Superior Industries

  Superior Industries, an OEM aluminum wheel manufacturer, is closing its plant in Van Nuys, California, and putting 290 people out of work.

The company president said he regretted the decision, of course, but "Nevertheless, it is imperative to right-size our capacity in line with current and projected vehicle production while maintaining the leverage for future business opportunities."

Translation: Ye gods, where do I begin? I'd be a lot better at this if I were fluent in bafflegab. I wouldn't even know how to write a sentence like that.

Corporate-speak translation: The government

  The federal and provincial governments have announced that, following the U.S. loans to the auto industry, they will provide $4 billion to General Motors and Chrysler in Canada as well.

From a statement issued by the Ontario government: The federal and provincial governments will exercise oversight over the use of taxpayer money as part of its ongoing due diligence. Every stakeholder in the auto industry will also be expected to do their part to reduce structural costs and ensure a viable auto industry in Canada.

Translation: You auto workers are taking a pay cut.

(And an observation: You can argue from morning to night whether they should, and there are pros and cons on both sides. But the one thing that really hits me is how eager everyone is to see people making less money. I really believe it has nothing to do with the price of cars, and everything to do with a class war, and people getting upset when "a guy like me" rises above his station. And you better believe that when we accept everyone making lower wages as a matter of course -- and therefore paying less tax, which means less money to go around for social programs and community infrastructure -- then we're all just helping accelerate the race to the bottom.)

Corporate-Speak Translations: Volvo

  Title of a press release I received today from Volvo:

Negotiations on redundancies finalised at Volvo Car Corporation

Translation:

We just fired 4,616 people.

Corporate-Speak Translations: General Motors

  General Motors has announced that it has ended its endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods, who was a spokesman for Buick.

In the official press release, GM says that "Both GM and Woods agreed to a mutual and amicable separation that included a desire for more personal time for the 14-time major winner who is expecting his second child in late winter as well as the search for budget efficiencies during a difficult economy for General Motors."

Translation: We couldn't afford him anymore.

Corporate-Speak Translations: Chrysler

  From the press release announcing more job cuts at Chrysler: This adjustment to workforce levels is in addition to previously announced actions, and will be accomplished through a combination of socially responsible programs, including voluntary retirements and -- in order to broaden the eligible group -- salaried employee buyouts. These new programs will feature enhanced benefits, including both cash and new-vehicle vouchers.

What it really said: Good lord, I don't know where to begin. Anything that describes walking papers as an "adjustment to workforce levels" and severance as a "socially responsible program" really seems to be beyond translation...

Corporate-Speak Translations: General Motors

  General Motors has announced that it plans to sell its ACDelco parts manufacturing business. In the release:

A sale is expected to promote more rapid growth of ACDelco globally.

Translation: The new owners will build the parts in whatever country will do it the cheapest.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Jaguar Land Rover

  The U.K. government is proposing an initiative aimed at encouraging and supporting U.K. manufacturing as being central to Britain's future prosperity.

David Smith, CEO of Jaguar Land Rover, said this: "Jaguar Land Rover is striving to sustain and grow its manufacturing and R&D operations in the U.K., but clearly global competition continues to intensify and we have faced considerable pressures from rising energy and commodity prices ... We therefore support actions that underpin U.K. manufacturing investment and productivity during this difficult period, including the development of trade opportunities with low cost supply chains and actions to support economic growth and reduce input and financing costs."

Translation: We want to be able to bring in cheap parts from foreign countries.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Chrysler

  In the news today: Chrysler has announced three programs that will offer to 13,800 hourly employees -- basically, every such employee it has in Michigan -- for either early retirement or voluntary termination.

Said a spokesman, "This win-win-win situation will help employees who are separating from Chrysler land on their feet. We appreciate the years of dedication and work that the men and women of Chrysler have put into their careers with our organization. We now provide them a chance to reinvest in and reinvent their next career."

Translation: If we throw money at them, we don't feel nearly as guilty.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Dodge

The original text, from Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli:

"We have been approached by third parties who are interested in exploring future possibilities for Viper. As the company evaluates strategic options to maximize core operations and leverage its assets, we have agreed to listen to these parties. We will do so, keeping in mind the best interests of those who have shown tremendous support for the vehicle, including employees, suppliers, dealers and a worldwide group of loyal Viper owners and enthusiasts. Viper is an integral part of this company's heritage. While this is a strategic review, our intent would be to offer strong operational and financial support during any potential transaction, in order to ensure a future for the Viper business and perpetuate the legacy of this great vehicle."

What he really said, in plain English:

Someone wants to buy it. We might sell it.

Corporate-speak translation: Nissan

In the news: Nissan is offering buyout packages to employees at its plants in Smyrna and Decherd, Tennessee. The company cites rising fuel prices and poor sales of its full-size trucks and SUVs, and is eliminating an entire shift of its truck assembly facility.

The employees will be offered lump sums, plus medical and car purchase benefits.

Said a senior vice-president, "We feel this program is a good opportunity for employees wanting to transition to another phase in life. This will provide many with the financial means to take a step they otherwise might not have been able to take."

Translation: Nobody likes working on an assembly line, but when you've got mouths at home to feed and there's only one major employer in town, well, This Is Your Life.

Corporate-Speak Translation: Toyota

In the news: Toyota is going to build the Prius at a new plant in Mississippi (the first time it's been built in North America), the Highlander is moving to a facility in Indiana, and the Tundra pickup truck, currently built in two U.S. plants, will be moving into one. The company will also temporarily stop making both the Tundra and the Sequoia from August until November, in light of the fact that nobody wants them anymore.

A spokesman for the company said it was unfortunate that the trucks had to be temporarily discontinued, but the new production mix is proof of Toyota's commitment to North American production. And then he said, "By using this downturn as an opportunity to develop team members and improve our operations, we hope to emerge even stronger."

Translation: Yes, we use the silly "team members" term too. And if you're not crazy about being laid off or switched between jobs or between plants, you're just not a team player.

Today's Translation: Ford Corporate-Speak

In the news: Ford is transforming a full-size truck plant near Mexico City to build the new Fiesta, a compact vehicle that will be sold in global markets worldwide under the name. Mexico will produce all Fiesta sedans and hatchbacks for the North American market.

Ford president and CEO Alan Mulally: "Ford is absolutely committed to leveraging our global assets to accelerate the shift to more fuel-efficient small cars and powertrain technologies that people really want and value. Our investments in these facilities in Mexico are part of our plan to further realign our manufacturing capacity in line with the introduction of more small cars and crossovers."

Translation: Nobody's buying our big trucks and SUVs, so we'll build small cars. Naturally, we will find the global plant where it costs us the least amount of money to make them.

Today's translation: GM Corporate-Speak

In the news: some 19,000 GM hourly workers in the U.S. have accepted the company's attrition program, and they'll be out the door and home by July 1 at the latest.

First crack at their jobs will go to current employees "whenever possible", according to a release from GM. But if new workers have to be brought in, they'll come in at entry-level wages and benefits.

According to GM North America president Troy Clarke, "This attrition program gives us an opportunity to restructure our U.S. workforce through the entry-level wage and benefit structure for new hourly employees."

Translation: We're going to save a bundle by getting the old guy out of the slot, and putting in a new guy at a lower wage.

Now yes, I do understand that the domestic auto companies are still bloated from a quarter-century ago, and that trimming down doesn't happen without some tough decisions.

But before you jump on the bandwagon and say "about time", keep a few things in mind, including the fact that good-paying jobs generate higher taxes and more disposable income than low-paying jobs. Those taxes help pay for your social programs, your schools, your neighborhood, your police and fire protection, your parks and your libraries. Do you want your neighborhood funded by an autoworker making $25+ an hour, or by someone whose job description includes "Do you want fries with that?"

Henry Ford, back when he was still turning out the Model T, raised the salaries of most of his workers to $5.00 a day, which was twice the going rate. His theory was that a decently-paid worker could afford to buy the product he built, thereby increasing demand for the product and turning it into a cycle. How many minimum-wage workers do you know who are buying new cars?

And don't kid yourself; if the auto plants could get workers to screw together the vehicles for a buck an hour, I doubt the price would go down. Profits would go up and the shareholders would be happy, but don't think Flint would be fired back up to make $2,500 Tata cars. One of Chevrolet's best-selling models is made in Korea, but its price doesn't seem to reflect the wages those workers make over there.

Now, don't get me wrong -- the automakers need to do something to stay afloat in these troubled times, and they're probably doing the best they can.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking that what's good for General Motors is necessarily good for America.